Golden Trigger
by Omniflyer
Summary: [On hiatus] The GS Crew lives out the adventure of Chrono Trigger. This fic is on hiatus due to lack of interest, but I may get back to it eventually.
1. Role Reversal a la Kraden

Let's see... what should we write today...? Ouch! *swats at his neck* What was... hmm.. I have an idea!

(Dew): Oh, no!!

(Char): What?!

(Dew): He was bitten!

(Char): By what?!

(Dew): By the... [pause for dramatic music] parody bug!!

(Dew/Char): Ahhh!!

... ... ...are you quite done?

(Dew): [nods]

Okay, then. Let's find the rest of the gang... We can't do this without them, after all...

*****

[The cast and crew are playing tennis at a poolside court when Omniflyer enters the scene, waving many pieces of paper around frantically.]

Ah, my cherished Adepts... what an idea I have in store for you today!

Picard: I hate it when authors get that look in their eye...

Ivan: Never a good sign...

Omniflyer: We're going to do a parody of Chrono Trigger!

Isaac: Which then to the what, now?

Omniflyer: [looking agitated] Chrono Trigger! One of the greatest RPGs ever! [cast looks confused] Slightly inferior to Golden Sun. [Understanding nods pass around the group] Excellent. Look at these, then... [Omniflyer passes out the scripts]

Mia: This looks... interesting, I suppose. [flips through the script] I guess it could work.

Omniflyer: Excellent. Now, as for your roles...

Jenna: I call dibs on Lucca!

Mia: Same for Marle!

Omniflyer: ...uhhh... I'm thinking...no.

Jenna: Why not?

Omniflyer: Let's face it. You being Lucca and Marle being played by Mia would be flat-out boring. Honestly...

Ivan: So what will you do?

Omniflyer: Easy answer, my diminutive friend.

Ivan: [growling] I'm not short!

Omniflyer: Right on, Ivan, you keep telling yourself that. Anyway, Jenna, you shall play Marle, and Mia, you will play Lucca.

Jenna/Mia: What?! No! I refuse!!

Everyone else: [stifling laughter]

Mia: Not fair! I don't want to be some hideous Fire user!

Jenna: And I don't want to be some wimpy, pathetic healer!

Mia: [turns on Jenna] Wimpy healer?!

Jenna: Hideous Fire user?!

Everyone else: [sneaking away]

Isaac: This could turn out ugly...

Garet: [nodding assent]

[A large fight between Mia and Jenna ensues. Ivan pops popcorn and sells tickets to passerby, advertising it as "The New Colosso".]

[Two hours later]

[Isaac is holding Mia back and Garet is restraining Jenna. Both girls still look vicious].

Omniflyer: Is there any chance we can stay on topic?

Sheba: Yes, there is. Tell me who I'll be!

Omniflyer: Okay, Sheba. You're quiet, somewhat reserved, highly intelligent, physically frail and all around a great spellcaster.

Sheba: Yup! [smiles proudly]

Omniflyer: You'll make the perfect Ayla.

Sheba: WHAT?! [eyes wide in disbelief]

Omniflyer: Just... think of it as an experiment in discovering a new part of yourself.

Sheba: What part of myself is a skimpily dressed, pre-historic ignoramus whose idea of a good time is to guzzle down drinks in between grunts?!

Felix: [disguising his voice] Spikydomeshipping.

Sheba: [angry, wheeling around to find the voice] Who said that?! Who?! WHERE?! [goes on a rampage, looking for someone to maul for suggesting the pairing of herself and Garet]

Omniflyer: Exactly. Now, moving on, Frog was a difficult member to cast properly. I needed someone to match his character properly. Unfortunately, I couldn't find that person, so I chose Ivan because they're both short.

Ivan: [trying to look intimidating regardless of his height] I AM NOT SHORT!

Omniflyer: [patting Ivan on the head] Sure you aren't, Ivan. Sure you aren't.

FBMs: [storm into the building, trample Omniflyer, and then leave]

Omniflyer: ...ow.

Ivan: [beaming] Thank you! I love you all!

Omniflyer: Okay, moving on, I still need people for Crono, Robo and Magus. Magus was easy enough; I just needed someone dark, evil, cruel and looming. Garet it is.

Garet: [looking up from a plate of food with a goofy smile] All right! [accidentally sprays food all over the table] ...oops.

Omniflyer: ...somebody get him a paper towel...

Picard: I think we have a problem, here...

Omniflyer: What's that?

Picard: There are only two roles left to assign, but myself, Felix and Isaac still require roles.

Felix: This shouldn't be hard to figure out. By process of elimination, I can't be Crono because Crono has to marry Marle. And Isaac can't be Crono because Omniflyer's a dead-set Mudshipper and to put him there would be Valeshipping.

Omniflyer: *shudders*

Isaac: So Picard's Crono? That leaves you and me for the Robo spot.

Felix: Robo's all muscle. I'll arm wrestle you for it.

Isaac: Deal. [They walk over to a table and sit down to arm wrestle. Isaac is about to win when Felix kicks him in the shin, breaking his concentration. Felix slams Isaac's hand against the table.] Ow! No fair, Felix!

Felix: [shrugs] You learn a few tricks when you travel with Saturos and Menardi.

Omniflyer: So, what, Felix is going to be Robo?

Isaac: That's not fair!

Mia: I demand a rematch!

Omniflyer: No, I think Felix can be Robo. That will do nicely.

Felix: Excellent.

Isaac: Then I don't get a role?

Omniflyer: Don't beat yourself up. Neither does Picard.

Picard: What?! But I thought I was to be Crono!

Omniflyer: Of course not. Where did you get that idea?

Picard: Otherwise we have a Valeshipping situation.

Omniflyer: I didn't say Isaac would be Crono either.

Isaac: But then... who? [Omniflyer walks over to a curtain with a large question mark on it. He draws it back to reveal none other than the character who will play Crono, who is none other than...]

Everyone: o.0 KRADEN?!?!

Kraden: It's about time one of you useless kids realized my amazing talent. Imagine, with me here, how quickly this task will be complete! With my amazing talent and alchemical skill, not to mention my ravishing good looks, it's no wonder... [Kraden talks on while the Adepts storm over to Omniflyer]

Jenna: I FLAT OUT REFUSE!!!

Felix: Jenna and... I think I'm going to be sick...

Garet: [looking murderous] I'm either going to injure Kraden so he can't act, or you, Omniflyer, unless you fix this right now!

Omniflyer: Garet, what's the one thing we want above all else for Kraden?

Garet: ...death?

Omniflyer: I mean, while he's alive.

Garet: Never to explain anything ever again.

Omniflyer: Garet, how many lines does Crono have in the whole game?

Garet: ...oh!

Jenna: [arms crossed] I still refuse! Not only do I have to use water, but now I'm stuck with... with him?!

Kraden: And don't pretend you won't enjoy it, either!

Jenna: [shudders]

Omniflyer: Isaac and Picard, I have other roles for you, but you'll find out what they are later on.

Isaac/Picard: Awww...

  
  


So that's it! Here's the cast list...

Crono: Kraden ["It's about time I was recognized! Imagine, all this talent and no one was..."]

Marle: Jenna [*shudders*]

Lucca: Mia ["How degrading..."]

Frog: Ivan ["I am not short! Vertically challenged, maybe, but I am not short!"]

Robo: Felix ["I finally got one up on Isaac."]

Ayla: Sheba ["Someone will die for this. I'm looking in your general direction, Omniflyer..."]

Magus: Garet ["Fear me! Bwahahaha! *trips* Darn it!]

  
  


This could be interesting. If you ever have a joke idea, or something, feel free to suggest it in a review. As a matter of fact, why don't you review right now and tell me if you like the idea. Good? Okay? Destroy my computer? Review!!

And one last thing, updates for this will come slowly, just like Light's Shadow. I'll try to jump between the two, but don't expect them both to come very fast. This is just a teaser chapter. If you like it, review and tell me so. If you don't, then I'll just remove it. So, review!!


	2. Gato

Review Responses:

Net Strife: Yes, the concept of Jenna/Kraden is supposed to be disturbing. Very disturbing. And no, fear not, this "relationship" (I'm shuddering to even mention it...) will go no farther than Kraden being annoying and Jenna frying him. Repeatedly.

Ookami MX: The shitzoff has arrived!!

Depressing Angel: Totally insane? Of course.

Knightblazer 88: What was I on, indeed? Hmm... Maybe just a fond dislike for Kraden. After all, anyone who's played CT knows about a certain... scene... with a certain... Lavos... BWAHAHA!

DarkHunter65: ...I don't even know where to start, here. Firstly, regarding Valeshipping, I can't see it working. Jenna seems a much more obvious partner to Garet than Isaac to me. Secondly, you have poor taste in naming. I believe Isaac Says Booga has the official shiplists for Golden Sun. If you want one for Jenna/Kraden (*shudder*), why not ask him?

Rednal29: Kraden is evil. Verrrry evil. That's why we're going to see how well he can handle monsters from the front lines instead of cowering in the background like he did in TLA.

LadyLucca: The first thought that crossed my mind after I came up with the idea for a CT/GS fic was, "Oohh... hungry... not good." Okay, I hadn't eaten in awhile. But after that, I wondered if anyone had already come up with this idea. I thought I vaguely remembered seeing something along these lines, but I searched the GS section and saw nothing related to CT, so I went ahead with it.

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Scene: Kraden's House, 1000AD

???: Kraden.

[no answer]

???: Kraden!!

[no answer]

???: Kraden, wake up!!

[no answer]

???: [aside] Isn't he supposed to wake up at this point?

Omniflyer: Yeah. Go inside and see if you can wake him up.

[??? enters the room. Kraden is not asleep, but rather engrossed in several experiments he is performing at once]

???: KRADEN!! [casts Spark Plasma across the room, shattering bottles and sizzling Kraden]

Kraden: OW! Who...? Master Hama? You're playing my mother?!

Hama: [nods] ^_^ Correct.

Kraden: But you're only two-thirds my age!

Hama: [anger vein] I am barely a third your age!! [casts Tempest]

Kraden: [hurt]

Hama: Now get downstairs, and feed the cat!

Kraden: I have important exper...

Hama: [scary] FEED THE CAT!

Kraden: [tumbling down stairs as fast as his feet will allow]

Scene: Downstairs, 1000AD

Kraden: [landing painfully at the bottom of the stairs]

Hama: -_- And you're supposed to play the nimble, athletic male lead?

Kraden: What do you mean "supposed to"?! I AM nimble and athletic!

Everyone: [offstage] [stifling laughter]

Kraden: [musing] I get no respect around here...

Cat: [meows]

Kraden: Hmm... the cat looks kind of small... [eyes light up] I wonder what would happen if I tweak around his food a little. Maybe add a few elemental properties to this part, and before you know it...

Hama: [Casts Plasma] Just feed the stupid thing and get out of here!!

Kraden: [hair smoking] ...of course, I could just leave it... [feeds the cat]

Hama: Good. Now go to the Millennial Fair and enjoy yourself.

Kraden: I'd much rather go back upsta...

Hama: You obviously didn't hear me... [Scary, again] GO TO THE FAIR.

Kraden: Well, as I was saying, I have important things that must be done at the fair today. I'll see you later! [starts to leave]

Hama: One more thing. [Kraden pauses] Take some money with you.

Kraden: [takes the coins] What an odd shape! This is money? How strange! You know, this reminds me of the time I was in Madra, and they have a slightly different coin shape, too, you see. As it turns out, they didn't...

Scene: Same Location, Two Hours Later, 1000 AD

Kraden: ...but as we were saying, the rabbits in the field were certainly not blue enough to be considered anything along the lines of cabbage. Which reminds me...

Hama: [looking very frazzled and close to derangement] No... more... Just leave and never speak to me again.

Kraden: But I have...

Hama: [casts Shine Plasma]

Kraden: [stumbling away]

Scene: Leene Square, 1000 AD

Kraden: [looking around] This is absolutely marvellous!

Omniflyer: [offstage] What, you're actually going to enjoy yourself at something that isn't related to toadstools and randomly sprouting vines?

Kraden: No! Everything here can be used in my experiments. The shrubbery, the garbage... even the gas in the balloons there! ...I think...

Omniflyer: [offstage] Just get on with it, all right? No one wants to waste time reading about you collecting some little fungus or rock for your experiments.

Kraden: [agitated] What are you talking about? I, foolish boy, am Kraden. Everyone enjoys reading about me!

Omniflyer: [offstage, looking toward the general public] Hands up, everyone who likes reading about Kraden performing some experiment.

Everyone: [no movement]

Kraden: [angry] How dare you, whippersnapper! I'm at least four times most of your ages, you would think you could show a little kindness to me, but no, it's all about shunning your elders to go off and do whatever you want... [starts walking around, randomly screaming at anyone and everyone, flailing his arms about] ...it's truly pathetic the way the elderly are treated here and... [in the middle of his tirade, he knocks a girl over and falls to the ground himself] ...oh, and look at that, now I'm even being attacked for my age!

Jenna: [fuming on the ground, pulling herself up] Kraden, you idiot, look what you've done now!

Kraden: Jenna?

Jenna: [seething] Yes, it's me, and you just bowled me over for no reason just because you're an old geezer that no one likes, anyway.

Kraden: [confused] Jenna, your...

Jenna: [shrieks] My pendant! It's gone!

Kraden: Jenna, what happened to your...

Jenna: [impatiently] Yes, yes, I know, I have a new costume, apparently it's what Marle is supposed to wear. [she spins a little to show off. Garet whistles from offstage] But that's not important right now! My pendant is gone!!

Kraden: That's not what I was talking about. Your...

Jenna: Oh, here it is! [picks up a tiny blue pendant and places it around her neck] I don't know how, but even though it's blue, I think it looks good on me.

Kraden: There's a reason...

Jenna: Huh? What's that?

Kraden: Well, I've been trying to tell you... here, just look. [fumbles through his pockets and produces a small mirror. Jenna looks into it]

Jenna: [screaming] I have orange hair?! Who did this to my beautiful auburn hair?!

Omniflyer: [offstage, slowly walking away]

Jenna: Omniflyer!!

Omniflyer: [offstage] ^_^;; uhh... yes...?

Jenna: What happened to my hair?!

Omniflyer: [offstage, carefully] Well... you see, if you're going to play Marle, you may as well go all the way, right?

Jenna: [in full-blown pyromaniac mode] There are limits!!

Omniflyer: [offstage] Not really...

Jenna: Then why isn't Kraden's hair all red and spiky.

Omniflyer: [offstage] ...do you want to see him in spiky red hair?

Jenna: [ignoring Omniflyer] Die, evil author! [casts Pyroclasm, but nothing happens. A blue light envelops Omniflyer] What was that?!

Omniflyer: [offstage] Well, as you're not technically a Mars Adept anymore, but rather a Water-aligned spellcaster, you can't cast Fire spells any more. What you did cast was the only spell you know right now, Aura, which is a non-elemental healing spell.

Jenna: [enraged] You took away my burning for healing?!

Omniflyer: [offstage] In not so many words, yes.

Jenna: [slowly] When this is over... you will die.

Omniflyer: [offstage] ...hmm... I'll keep that in mind. [starts packing] So, why don't you just continue, okay?

Jenna: I cannot believe this...

Kraden: You know, in the plot line, you and I are supposed to...

Jenna: If you come within three meters of me, I swear I will rip out you intestines and use them to strangle Omniflyer.

Kraden: Oh, you're just saying that... [tries to draw near]

Jenna: [draws her weapon] Hey, I don't have a staff! What could I possibly... [looks at the crossbow in her hand] oh. [smiles evilly] Now THIS could be fun... ^_^

Kraden: I don't like fun...

Scene: Western Part of the Square, 1000 AD

Kraden: So what are we supposed to do now?

Jenna: I don't know. I think we're supposed to be having fun. [sighs] How pathetic...

Kraden: There are so many other things I could be doing that would be so much more beneficial. I have far too many experiments to worry about this right now.

Jenna: You could always leave and Garet could take your place.

Kraden: [eyes light up] Brilliant idea! [moves to leave but can't seem to move away] Why can't I move? This is horrible! My mobility rights are being violated!

Jenna: [growling] In a few minutes I'm going to remove your mobility rights.

Kraden: How?

Jenna: [frustrated] I'll remove your legs.

Kraden: That wouldn't hinder my rights. In fact, that would aid them, as being handicapped would result in a special level of treatment that would be bestowed upon me and-

Jenna: [looking very, VERY dangerous]

Kraden: -ah. Of course, you're right.

Omniflyer: [offstage] I don't think Marle has that much power over Kraden. Loosen up a bit, Jenna.

Garet: [offstage] You want Jenna to loosen her control over people just by asking? And you expect she will?

Omniflyer: [offstage] ...true.

Jenna: [looking vicious]

Garet: [offstage] You know, you might want to find an outlet for her rage soon.

Omniflyer: [offstage] Good idea. Kraden, you're near a battle simulator robot. Take Jenna there and let her channel that rage before she kills us all.

Kraden: Jenna can't handle a battle simulator robot all by herself.

Omniflyer: [offstage] That's why you're supposed to help her. Do you see the wooden sword in the sheath at your waist?

Kraden: [nervous] Oh... of course. This should be no challenge at all for one so strong as myself. But... maybe she'd like to try herself, first.

Omniflyer: [offstage] Of course.

Scene: Robot Battle Simulator Booth, 1000AD

Jenna: [almost zombie-like] Kill, kill, kill, kill, die, die, die, die...

Kraden: You're a braver man than I thought, Garet.

Garet: [offstage] [nods]

Jenna: [approaches the Battle Simulator, Gato] Kill, kill, kill, kill, die, die, die, die...

Gato: [singing and dancing, preparing to fight]

Jenna: DIE. [raises crossbow and fires]

Gato: [moves menacingly towards Jenna as the bolts bounce harmlessly off his metal torso]

Omniflyer: [offstage] Uh-oh... that's a predicament.

Jenna: [throws the crossbow to the ground] [stomping] Stupid, useless, pathetic...

Garet: [offstage] I think she's calling you, Kraden.

Kraden: [indignantly] How dare you, you little whippersnapper!

Omniflyer: [offstage] Is that the best insult you know, Kraden? Whippersnapper?

Garet: [offstage, confused] I've never snapped a whipper in my life...

Jenna: [enraged] Die, stupid piece of tin! Pyroclasm! [a blue Aura spell overtakes Gato, healing any minor dents from previous battles]

Kraden: [amused] That didn't seem to work that well...

Jenna: [scary] Shut... up.

Kraden: [cowering] ...why does no one like me...?

Jenna: Listing time!

Omniflyer: [offstage] Let's see... you're annoying...

Garet: [offstage] ...bothersome...

Jenna: ...troublesome...

Omniflyer: [offstage] ...don't do much in the games but beg people to chase after lycanthropes...

Garet: [offstage] ...get in the way...

Scene: Robot Battle Simulator Booth, A Few Hours Later, 1000AD

Jenna: ...use four times as many words as a normal person to say about a third as much...

Kraden: Yes, yes, but aside from all that.

Omniflyer, Garet, Jenna: [facefault]

Omniflyer: [offstage] Just hurry up and kill the stupid robot... he's still rampaging, you know.

Jenna: [suddenly vicious again] Killing!!

Garet: [offstage, nervous] How does she change moods so fast?

Kraden: She's your girlfriend...

Felix: [offstage, grumbling]

Jenna: Ok, no Aura this time, just a genuine fire attack. Like... Dragon Fume! [Jenna spins around with her back to Gato and slaps her butt a few times]

Kraden: What are you...?

Garet: [offstage, drooling]

Felix: [offstage] Jenna!!

Jenna: [blinks] Huh? What...?

Felix: [offstage, has Omniflyer in a stranglehold] What was that?!

Omniflyer: [offstage, being strangled] That was... Marle's...second tech... Provoke... [gasping for air]

Felix: [offstage] So you can turn my sister into some kind of...of...

Garet: [offstage, whistling]

Felix: [offstage, goes chasing after Garet]

Omniflyer: [offstage, massaging neck] Can you get on with the fight now?

Jenna: [gets hit by Gato's swinging fist and falls heavily to the floor, unconscious]

Gato: [turns on Kraden]

Kraden: Ah. Yes. Good morning, sir. I wonder if I could interest you in aiding me with an experim-ACK!

Gato: [swinging fist at Kraden, but misses and leaves a small crater in the ground]

Omniflyer: [offstage] Why do I get the impression this fic will be over before it really starts...?

Kraden: Now what am I supposed to do?

Omniflyer: [offstage] Attack the stupid thing!

Kraden: Ah, of course. [draws the Wood Sword] Hee-ya!! [the Wood Sword snaps against Gato's arm]

Omniflyer: [offstage] o.0

Kraden: This is exactly why I like my experiments better...

Gato: [moving menacingly toward Kraden]

Kraden: [nervous] Omniflyer, how about you cliffhang here so I don't have to do anything until your next update...?

Omniflyer: [offstage] Cliffhangers only work if people care about the characters. It's just you, a cliff wouldn't work.

Kraden: [outraged] What do you mean, it's just me? When I was your age, I had to journey across bold new lands, going on amazing adventures that you and the rest of the party over never dreamed of! Of course, when I went...

Scene: Robot Battle Simulator Booth, A Few More Hours Later, 1000AD

Kraden: ...that's why Mars isn't associated with earth adepts. Now, as for Jupiter...

Gato: [collapses]

Kraden: ...huh?

Omniflyer: [offstage] Wow. Congratulations, Kraden, I think you bored it to death.

Kraden: You can't bore a machine to death.

Omniflyer: [offstage] I beg to differ.

Jenna: [stirring] That was severely unpleasant. What happened?

Kraden: [throws chest out, then pulls it back in as he nearly throws his back out to do so] I defeated it.

Jenna: ... [laughing] No, seriously, what happened?

Omniflyer: [offstage] He's telling the truth... he took it out.

Jenna: Impossible. Who built the stupid thing, anyway?

Omniflyer: [offstage] Gato was built by Mia.

Jenna: That explains it. If a Mercury Adept made it, it must be defective.

Kraden: Actually, Mercury Adepts have proven to be far more mechanically inclined than Mars Adepts. Look at the difference between Lemurian Ships and Proxian transportation, or [Jenna glares at him] I'm sorry.

Jenna: Okay, I'm going to go and kill Mia.

Kraden: Before you go, don't you owe me something for saving your life from that evil robot?

Jenna: [takes a step back] Like...?

Kraden: Well, you know, our characters are supposed to fall in love, so maybe a little ki-

Jenna: [shrieking] Absolutely not! If you even try it I will rip off your lips and throw them in one of your own experiments!

Kraden: [thoughtful] Actually, human lips in the Lemurian Draught experiment might prove to be...

Jenna: [storming off to find Mia] I give up!!

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This is the part where I start begging all of you to press that little review button.

(Dew): And where we should show up.

(Char): Of course, we should have been up at the top.

Nah. Would've made the fic more cluttered. You guys aren't really needed here.

(Dew/Char): ...what did you say?!

Umm... Review! And I'll post again if I live...


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